Ever since I read the Harry Potter series, I've wanted a house elf. A helpful, eager-to-please addition to my family who would happily cook, clean, pick up and organize scattered toys and my office mess, and solve my computer problems when my wireless is being uncooperative or I see that circle spinning endlessly on my Mac. Wouldn't that be so incredible? Dobby: A cook/housekeeper/organizer/Apple genius all rolled into one small creature who would be overjoyed at sleeping on a shelf in the kitchen cupboard. A girl can dream, right? Since the only magic at my disposal is the kind created when I'm in coaching sessions and massage sessions, I have discovered another way to make my life easier and, like a house elf, it lives in my kitchen: my crock pot. I love to cook when I have the time but, like you, with a whole lot of everything on my plate, time is a precious commodity. In my life coach training with the amazing author, columnist and life coach Martha Beck, I learned a time and stress management tool called the 4Bs. The 4Bs stand for bag, buy/barter, better, and batch. Using the 4Bs helps to turn an unwanted task into a tastier project. Here's how you can use the 4Bs to find the easy way with meal preparation. Bag Can you just let go of meal preparation and not feed your family? Nope, sorry. However, bagging a task that you don't want to do is a great option for other responsibilities. For example, do you have to go to a certain social event that you're dreading for one reason or another? What would happen if you just said no thank you and did what you really want to do, like take a nap? Buy/Barter Can you purchase prepared meals either at restaurants or the supermarket? Absolutely! Can you trade meal preparation with a neighbor so that you don't have to cook as often? Great idea! Better If you don't like to prepare meals, don't have the budget to buy from restaurants, and don't have a willing friend with whom you can trade, can you combine cooking with an activity that you do enjoy? While I'm in the kitchen, I often listen to KQED radio or to my favorite station on Pandora. Or you could give yourself a special treat once you're finished with your kitchen duty for the day - like a few minutes on the couch with a magazine. Batch With cooking, this is my favorite of the 4Bs to use. Once or twice a week, I make a big meal in the crock pot and freeze half of it to defrost later. I think of it as taking care of Future Me so that when I have a busy week, like this month when I'll be testing for my coaching certification, I can pull a container of soup, chili, or chicken out of the freezer in the morning and - ta da! - dinner is done. Go to the Touch Blue Sky website to find a few of my favorite crock pot recipes. I picked three recipes to start that require very little preparation, maybe a little chopping here or there. Once you throw the ingredients in the crock pot, press a few buttons and wait a few hours, dinner is done. I must admit that my slow cooker is my favorite tool in the house. Now, if only it could organize Lego's. Enjoy! Kathleen Get more recipes by joining The Well-Crafted Moms Club on Facebook! I post a simple recipe every Monday for moms in the club. Click here to join.
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In a coaching session last week, I worked with a client who noticed that she was helping others at work. This is normally an admirable quality but my client, in the process of helping others, wasn't able to finish her own projects and had to add more time onto her day to accomplish what she had set out to achieve. This pattern reflected the one she had woven at home - taking care of what everyone else needed done and then falling behind, not only with her own projects, but with taking care of herself. Helping out others before addressing your own business is like flipping to the back of the test to answer the extra credit questions first and then running out of time to finish the exam. No matter how well you do on those extra credit questions, if you don't complete the test, your grade will suffer. I liked working on this puzzle with this client because I recognized an old pattern in myself. I wove, sewed, embroidered, and even beaded the fabric of my life in such a way that I had a very hard time saying no. My "personal religion" was that I was responsible for taking care of others and this was a heavy quilt to carry everywhere. And then I found the Brave Girls Club and their online courses, daily emails, and messages of love and support for women. I took the Brave Girls Club's Soul Restoration class followed by the Life Restoration class. A lesson I learned in Week 5 of the Life Restoration class, "Making the Rules for your Beautiful Life," was that when I say yes to a project that feels like an obligation, I lose the time that I could spend on another activity that lights me up. "When we don't make rules and boundaries for our lives, all sorts of situations, relationships, and problems make their way into our lives," says Melody Ross of the Brave Girls Club. "And instead of living the life we really want to live, we are constantly managing all sorts of things that we really don't even want." The art project/introspective exercise for Week 5 was to decide on rules to help guide my life and then to create Decision Making Cards for each of them. (I've listed My Personal Rules at the end of this blog.) So what are your rules? Do you have solid boundaries so that you have time to cherish yourself, the people you love, and the projects that excite you? Here are a few questions that can help you to create your own Personal Rules: 1. Does this project light me up so that I am tingling with anticipation? If yes, skip the rest of this quiz and do it! 2. Is this activity essential or extra credit? Get still, take a few deep breaths, and imagine that you are an observer of your own life. See if you can let go of all of the should's and supposed to's and ask again, "Is this activity essential to me and my family's well-being or is it nice but not necessary?" 3. Am I well rested? Do I have the energy to take on another project - whether it's big or small? 4. Am I including self-care activities in each day on a regular basis? Can I care for another person or project, without caring for myself first? 5. Does this project take time away from my family? 6. Will my decision create stress or bliss? Tune into your body and notice if helping feels "shackles on" or "shackles off." Shackles on will feel like tension, tightness, discomfort, or anxiety. Shackles off will always feel like freedom. I'm interested in reading your Personal Rules. What are the questions you ask yourself to help you make a decision about your precious time? Post them below or click on the Touch Blue Sky Facebook button and share them there. Here are the Decision Making questions I ask myself. My Personal Rules: Is this what I really really want in my life? Am I making this decision from fear or from faith? Will this hurt my family in any way? Will I have time in my life to rest and recharge if I make this decision? Will others be able to control my decisions and my time? Am I okay with that? Will I be taking the best care of my body and soul if I make this decision? Will this decision bring me bliss or stress me out? Can I joyfully and thankfully work with the people who would have to be involved if I made this decision? Am I doing this from my own heart and gut, or am I trying to do this for someone else? Will I be able to keep my promises to those I love if I make this decision? Am I going to enjoy the results of making this decision? Is it going to be fun? Will this choice challenge me or keep me comfortable? Am I willing to sacrifice by doing the difficult, tedious, and scary stuff that will come along with making this decision? Will I have to go into debt in any way if I make this decision? "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." Woody Allen I was so very proud of myself. I had solved the summer puzzle of camps, multiple sitters, my work schedule, details for a family reunion with my parents and five brothers and sisters and their families, a camping trip, my husband's availability for drop off and pick up when the boys were at two different camps (skateboarding and fencing) in two different cities at the same time. It was a well thought out, carefully crafted, and detailed plan. And then, three days before the last day of school, my younger son broke both bones in his lower leg at a trampoline party place. We were lucky. It wasn't his neck, head or spine. An off-duty Foster City firefighter/angel held my son's leg in traction and kept him calm until the paramedics arrived. IV morphine is a miracle. We had an incredible nurse in the emergency room and the emergency department was remarkably quiet that day while we waited for surgery. The broken bones are above my son’s growth plate. The orthopedic surgeon who reset my son’s bones said that this kind of break in an adult would require plates, pins, and physical therapy. But in kids, bones heal especially fast. In this case, the prognosis was six or so weeks in a full leg cast. Our summer is a fast five weeks with the boys’ year round school schedule. Summer had changed. I had no control, no plan, no idea how the next month was going to look and I desperately wanted to be okay with that. I'm a planner. I am a really good planner. I make lists. I keep track of details. I like knowing what to expect with my schedule - or at least having a general idea. And when things change - which invariably they do, especially with kids - I must admit that I have to sweet talk myself into going with the flow. After my first son was born 11 years ago, I applied my tried-and-true methods for managing an out-of-control situation. My Before Children (BC) method looked something like this: Step 1. Create a plan. Step 2. Work hard. Step 3. Work harder. Step 4. Enjoy success (or find a new project if Steps One through Three didn’t work). But BC coping tools don’t work with After Children problems like sleep, breastfeeding, or balancing home and work life. I needed to build a new mindset, which took some time, coaching, workshops and classes. But recently, when my son's broken leg and my broken summer plans threw me for a loop, I found myself thrust back into the old habit of using my BC toolkit. And once again, no surprise, it was like using a sieve to make jello. So I took a a few deep breaths, relaxed, and remembered what does work. When my mind longs for predictability, consistency, and control, I guide myself into love and acceptance with a simple grounding meditation. I use this meditation tool every day - before I get out of bed in the morning, before sessions with life coaching and massage clients, and when I forget that not being in control is not the same as being out of control. I practice my grounding meditation when I want to remember that, no matter what, I’ll be okay. And you will, too. Watch and listen to my two and one-half minute meditation video and sweet talk yourself into relaxing and trusting that all is well. P.S. My son’s cast was removed! He’s on crutches as he goes through the final bit of healing and as he builds his flexibility and strength. Swimming pool here we come! Touch Blue Sky Meditation
It’s easy to be busy. Most of us have become so consumed with what needs to be done that we end up drained and depleted at the end of the day. When you're speeding down the freeway, rushing to get from Point A to Point Z, you're draining your resources. What would it be like to enjoy the ride? What if everything you did came from a deep place of replenishment? Of knowing that when you care for yourself, you are continually refilled? Of having an understanding that whenever you make a decision, you are choosing to create your life in the smallest of ways, in little acts of love that rejuvenate, restore, and revive you? Hybrid mothering isn’t about what you drive. And doesn’t have anything to do with your carbon footprint. What it is about is braking. My husband Bill bought a Prius about a month ago and, a few days later, I drove the family to Merced and back for my nephew’s graduation from UC Merced. I was easily distracted by the dashboard on the Prius. The most engrossing part was the Energy Monitor, the image of the car with dotted lines and arrows going from the wheels to the electric motor to the battery and from the engine to the electric motor and the wheels. When you brake a hybrid car, the battery recharges so you can go farther on your tank of gas, thus needing to refuel much less often. Even when you simply ease up on the gas pedal, you replenish the battery. In a standard car, you can only go so far on a tank of gas and whatever you do will continually drain your resources. So how can you make changes in your day-to-day life so that you parenting like a Prius - braking more frequently and recharging your internal battery, especially with small children, a demanding job, and all of the responsibilities that follow you like an overloaded trailer? You don’t need to stop completely, just touch your foot on the brakes every now and again or ease up on the gas pedal. Here are a few suggestions for quick activities to charge up your battery ... Take three deep breaths Bring your attention to your feet on the floor to help you to feel grounded Savor a few sips from your cup of tea Admire your children while they sleep Eat your lunch away from your computer Put on some music and dance, with or without your kids (my favorite dance song these days is Come & Get It by Selena Gomez) Sing along to the radio Text a girlfriend Record your favorite comedian on the DVR and watch a few minutes Say “Let me think about it” “Let me think about it” are the most powerful words that you can learn to say regularly. This statement lifts your foot off your accelerator and buys you time to truly think about whether baking three dozen cupcakes by tomorrow for your daughter’s preschool feels “shackles on” or “shackles off.” Author Martha Beck describes shackles on as the feeling of being trapped and chained. In your body, shackles on might feel like tension in your neck, a heaviness in your shoulders, or tightness in your chest. Your throat may feel closed up or your breath may become more shallow. Stress, resentment, or anger are shackles on. Shackles off always feels like freedom. It is okay to say no. Really. If you need practice, find another version of no that feels more comfortable like “Not right now,” or “My schedule will be more open after I finish this monster project at work,” or “I can pick up cupcakes from Safeway but I’m not going to have time to bake.” As long as your answer feels like freedom, like lightness, openness, and happiness, you are nourishing your essential self, the part of you that will lead you to your most joyful life. Saying no - and easing up on yourself - is just as necessary as regular maintenance is for your car. And aren’t you ready for a little tune-up? The topic of bullying has been coming up more often lately at my house, especially with my older son who will be starting middle school this coming year. (Don’t ask me how he grew so fast; I can’t believe it either.) My son is a fan of the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” books, which are accurate and uncomfortable reflections of middle school in all of its awkwardness. So, based on his reading and what he hears from friends, my son has some appropriate nervousness. This week while walking to school, we talked about how bullies work in secret, relying on the assumption that the bystanders and the bullied aren’t going to tell. I told both of my boys that if they’re bullied or witness bullying it’s important to make the situation public by letting a grown up know. What a lot to ask. Especially of a child. I’m a grown up and I can think of a heavy handful of instances in the past year when I haven’t stood up for my own truth. When moms at my sons’ school are gossiping about another parent or child. When someone makes a cutting remark about me and I pretend it’s nothing or ignore it instead of speaking out. I tell myself that they’re little things, not very important, but each time I’m making a choice by not saying anything. There’s a Japanese adage that the nail that stands out gets hammered down. But what hurts more - staying small or standing up for ourselves, our loved ones, and our own truth? In the past, I have been careful not to stick up too much. Standing out is a scary place to be. It takes a lot of courage to be the one who disagrees, the one who tells the truth, the one who calmly and confidently says, “Enough.” I am enough. My family is enough. What I bring to this life is enough. Brene Brown writes in “Daring Greatly” that the opposite of scarcity isn’t abundance. The opposite of scarcity is enough, what she calls Wholeheartedness. “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” But how do we become brave? How do we show up and know that our enough is enough, especially as we parent our children? Brene whittles it down to courage, compassion, and connection. We find the courage to take off our armor - with the people who have earned their places in our inner circle - and show our children what it means to be vulnerable, what it means to make mistakes and learn from them, what it means to love ourselves inside and out, warts and all. We live our lives compassionately and model acceptance of ourselves and others for our kids. We connect with our children, loving them in all of their sweet, sweaty, silly selves, and listen to what they have to say. Brene writes, “In terms of teaching our children to dare greatly in the ‘never enough’ culture, the question isn’t so much ‘Are you parenting the right way?’ as it is: ‘Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?’’’ And that, my friends, hits the nail on the head. Sunday morning I was not at my best. The day started off fine but then, just as we were walking out the door to catch CalTrain, my younger son "Boy #2" decided that he needed one of his Lego guys to accompany him throughout the day. And this particular Lego guy was nowhere to be found. The Lego guys strewn across the kitchen table were his brother’s, the guys on the Lego table (a re-purposed train table) weren’t the right ones, and neither were any of the guys on display on Boy #2′s shelf in his room. CalTrain waits for nothing, not even for calamities such as this. And, despite the fact that I knew that we had enough time, my encouragement turned to frustration and then to all out yelling, “We’re going to miss the train!” Frantic now and crying (my guilt for this swallowed me whole later), Boy #2 grabbed a few Lego Ninjago cards and we raced out the door, drove to the train station, bought tickets, paid for parking, and then had a full eight minutes to wait for the train. My husband wisely said nothing when the kids looked down the tracks and asked, “When is the train coming?” This is what my life is like: hurry, hurry, hurry and wait. I hate to be late and it’s making everyone in my family miserable. Obsessive timeliness does have it’s benefits – great seats at the movie theater, for one, and the boys have only had to get tardy slips from the school office once (Bill was driving them that day). But my constant push to be somewhere takes away the enjoyment of getting somewhere. “Don’t let the urgent crowd out the important,” Mary Pipher Hurrying will be a big habit for me to break. I haven’t figured out how to no longer festinate, but I know that by rushing I’m teaching my kids the wrong lessons – that timeliness is more important than happiness; that what’s ahead is more important than what’s right here, right now. Too soon, my boys will be grown and on their way to being adults. Our children learn from how we live our lives, and we have such precious little time to teach them what we know in our hearts to be true. |
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April 2023
Kathleen
I'm a mother of two incredible boys, wife to Bill White of Happy Baby Signs, author of the books The Well-Crafted Mom and Signs of a Happy Baby, and an intuitive life coach. I like to blog about my adventures with my family and the life lessons I'm learning along the way. I hope you'll join me on this journey. CategoriesCheck out our past newsletters by clicking the link below.
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