“You’re handing this remarkably well,” said my husband as we brought the last of the houseplants out to a shaded corner of the backyard. We were preparing to have the house tented for termites: all of the open food and liquor, houseplants, medicine, people, and Traviesa the cat needed to be removed for the three-day process. Our original crash pad arrangement had fallen through and so my husband, two kids, and Traviesa were going to be bunking for three nights with a generous friend who had a meticulously-kept house, exquisite hardwood floors, elegantly upholstered furniture, and who had never had children or pets of his own. (I gave the cat a stern talking-to while trimming her nails before putting her in the carrier; the boys were lectured, too.) I knew my husband meant his statement as a compliment, albeit a backhanded one, and I let my soft self accept the statement as praise, ignoring my prickly side which had a slightly different reaction. But I had to agree with him; I was handling my stress remarkably well. In the past, I would have continued to squeeze more projects and responsibilities into my already full schedule – even with the addition of moving out of our home – until each day was filled to overflowing, bringing my stress to high levels while my mood crashed and burned. There was a lot that I was saying yes to this summer, but I was saying no to so much more. Earlier in the summer, I had written a short handbook to accompany my “How to Parent Like a Prius” program for moms. (You can get your free copy here.) The handbook includes a recommendation to evaluate everything on your to do list in terms of its desirability and its urgency/importance. Here’s what happened when I followed my own advice: I exterminated responsibilities with low desirability and low importance from my to do list. This means that, for now, I’ve ditched passive leisure activities like watching television and spending extra time on Facebook. I’m handling responsibilities that have high importance and low desirability the same way I deal with big, icky spiders – by asking, “Honey, could you help me, please?” My husband took over most of the preparation for the fumigation and all of the tasks involved with moving back in. (He thoroughly cleaned the empty refrigerator and freezer before stocking the food we had stored offsite during the fumigation. No, I’m not sharing him.) In addition, I delegated all of my baby sign language responsibilities to the extremely capable Teri Voorhes, one of Touch Blue Sky’s baby sign language instructors and an uber-efficient administrative assistant/project manager. I'm treating items with high desirability but lower urgency (not importance in this case) with the utmost care. Much like how I capture delicate daddy longlegs with a cup and carry them outside, I moved my time with girlfriends to after my book launches on September 1st. I’ve missed seeing my friends but I know they’ll be waiting for me when my schedule clears after book launch day. What’s left are the essentials: work that makes a difference, my children, husband, and home. And even though my schedule is crawling with things to do, I can breathe easy. Kathleen Ann Harper is the author of the soon-to-be-released book, The Well-Crafted Mom, and a certified life coach for moms. She runs programs for moms, offers one-on-one sessions, and speaks to groups both large and small to help moms manage the many transitions of motherhood. Download her free handbook, How to Parent Like a Prius, by clicking here.
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I had a hard time watching the animated movie Inside Out. I went to see the movie with my kids and, like most of my mommy friends, I cried in the dark theater. The movie reminded me of how many of my children’s memories are fading and dissolving in clouds of smoke – like how my son can’t remember the imaginary friend he had when he was really little or the sweet ceremony our family shared when our first cat died. But what made me squirm in my seat was how Inside Out reminded me of times in my own life when my outside circumstances changed and wreaked havoc with my internal emotions, like when I let go of my massage therapy practice last year, when I lost a dear friend while in my 20s, when I shifted from being a mother of one to a mom of two. Sometimes Joy disappears from my emotional headquarters, leaving in charge a confused muddle of Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust. When Joy is absent, my husband reminds me of all of the goodness we share: healthy kids, work we love, a beautiful home. His words are a gentle shake of my shoulders as he tries to settle Joy back where she belongs. But Joy has to find her own way home. I try to help. I keep a gratitude journal to illuminate parts of the dark path for Joy to find her way back to my emotional control center. I build signposts for Joy by exercising regularly in my dance classes and heading outside for early morning walks. A healthy diet of good mood food, reminders to rest and play, and time with friends keep the path clear for Joy, too. But waiting for Joy to return is mostly about being patient, trusting that she’ll find her place with the other emotions at the control panel and expertly turn up the happiness dial. I know Joy is back when happiness comes unexpectedly and unbidden, when I feel like I've stepped out of a dark movie theater after a summer matinée, blinking in quiet surprise at the forgotten brightness of the sun. This month's blog post is the first sneak preview of my book (an excerpt from chapter two). I'll be publishing the book on Amazon on September 1st with the print version coming out later this year. There’s been a shift over the last several decades in how much moms expect from their partners in regards to parenting responsibilities and how much dads willingly provide. However, many moms still describe their husbands’ contributions to childcare and household responsibilities in terms like “helping out” and “being supported by.” This is what is commonly referred to as the “motherhood mandate” – the expectation that the father provides for the family financially first and then helps with childcare and household responsibilities with whatever time and energy is left over. Mothers, including moms who are employed full-time outside of the home, are expected to provide selfless, undivided focus to their children and to all that parenting entails. In fact, a 2011 study conducted by ForbesWoman and TheBump.com found that 70 percent of all working mothers and 68 percent of stay-at-home moms felt resentful toward their partners, stemming from the overwhelming responsibilities of parenting and household chores. Mothers felt resentment for the unevenness of the division of labor, even when they preferred to do the chores themselves (because it’s often easier to just do what needs to be done instead of explaining and then running the risk of having to redo what wasn't done quite right). Two out of three moms said they feel like single parents because they handled all of the household chores. Of the 1,200 women surveyed in the study, around 84 percent of stay-at-home moms said they didn’t get a break from parenting even after their partner came home from work, despite the fact that nearly all respondents said they needed an occasional respite from being a mom. In fact, a full 50 percent of stay-at-home moms said they never have downtime from parenting, while 93 percent said their partners do. I lived with resentment like this for years. It encased my marriage and is what eventually drove my husband and I into much needed couples counseling. “Resentment is a huge red flag that you’re burning out,” writes Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. But when you don’t get the needed break from the kids and can expect your spouse to only help out and not take over, how do you stop yourself from working yourself down to nothing more than embers? It turns out that how you perceive the stress in your life is far more important than the actual events you face day in and day out. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change,” writes author and speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer. And the quickest way to change things for the better is to take a look at your expectations. An old but often cited study from 1992 by Australian nurse Carol McVeigh looked at the expectations of new mothers a year after giving birth. The higher the expectations a mom had going into motherhood about what parenting was going to be like and the greater her anticipation of how much support she would experience from her spouse, friends, and family, the deeper the disappointment she experienced in the year after giving birth, regardless of her actual circumstances. These “inflated expectations” can negatively influence not only a mom’s relationship with her inner support circle but her feelings of confidence in her parenting, as well. This study described the “Conspiracy of Silence” which isolates women from the harsh reality of what it’s really like to care for an infant: exhausting, never-ending, and unrelenting. After watching my close friend struggle with her two active boys who are about ten years older than mine, I knew how challenging mothering two boys could be. And the proliferation of mommy blogs with such article titles as “Ten Times You Wish You Had a Mute Button for Your Toddler” and “What I Wish I’d Known as a Newborn Mom,” has broken any conspiracy of silence that remained. Blogs like Scary Mommy, Guerrilla Mom, and Renegade Mothering spill all of motherhood’s dirty secrets for the world to see, from the fact that many moms have recurring thoughts of making a run for it the next time there’s another moderately responsible grown-up in the house, to resentment toward a spouse and children that rises and falls like a barometer of a mother’s moods. I saw first-hand how the most organized and patient women I knew believed they weren’t succeeding as parents. Although in conversations with my friends before I became a mom I reassured them that they were doing a great job, I secretly judged them for not trying hard enough. I knew I was stronger, smarter, and more determined, and had waited way too long for motherhood for it to be a massive, disappointing failure. And then I became a mom. I thought that I would enjoy motherhood more. I thought the rewards for being sleepless, selfless, and steadfast for endless stretches of time would be greater than a few sloppy, wet kisses from my toddler. I loved those kisses but the equation of effort versus enjoyment didn’t balance. And what was tipping the scales in the negative direction was my expectations of what motherhood was supposed to be. There’s a comfort to your expectations – they line up your day in an orderly fashion and act as a mental checklist of what you think is going to happen. The problem is that when the repairman doesn’t arrive between 8:00 and noon, your child doesn’t nap at 2:30, and your mom doesn’t show up when she said she would, you’re disappointed. Expectations also shadow your self-evaluation at the end of the day of what did or didn’t get done. A survey by TODAY.com and Insight Express showed that the average stress for moms is 8.5 on a scale of one to ten and 60 percent of mothers stated that their biggest cause of stress is not having enough time to get everything done. But who decides what goes into that bag of “everything that needs to get done?” You do and it’s based on your expectations. Economists and authors of the book Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells theorize that happiness equals reality minus expectations. But if you were to drop your expectations, to let them go like flotsam and jetsam on the sea of your experience, wouldn’t happiness simply equal reality? And if you stop arguing with reality, would you be left with only happiness? “We can know that reality is good just as it is, because when we argue with it, we experience tension and frustration. We don’t feel natural or balanced,” writes Byron Katie in her book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. “When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.” Letting go of my expectations and not arguing with reality meant that I stopped evaluating my days with the parameters of good and bad, easy and hard, willing to stay or ready to run. It meant recognizing that my expectations were like Harry Potter’s early efforts with casting the Expecto Patronum spell – attempts at complicated magic meant to keep the darkness at bay but producing only a wispy wish for things to be different. As Karen Maezen Miller, author of Momma Zen, a book that lived on my bedside table for years, writes, "It’s not a matter of expecting less or expecting more, expecting the best or expecting the worst. Expecting anything just gets in the way of the experience itself. And the experience itself is a stunner." Kathleen Harper is a life coach and mentor for moms. She works with moms in one-on-one sessions and in groups and also speaks to mothers' groups throughout the Bay Area. She is currently in the midst of writing her first book which will be published on September 1st. This month, her Saturday Sanctuary mothers group focuses on how to ease your expectations and increase your happiness. We'll also be decorating canvas bags to remind ourselves that we can choose what we carry. You can register for the May Sanctuary group by going here. I’ve always been a glass-half-empty kind of person so when I picked up the book, The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky, which states on the cover that 40 percent of happiness is within my power to change, I actually felt a little, well, happier. Lyubomirsky and her research team at the University of California, Riverside, were awarded a $1 million grant from the National Institute of Mental Health to research what makes a person happy, what strategies work to boost happiness, and why they do. What the researchers discovered is that about 50 percent of your happiness is genetically determined. Another ten percent is based on your current situation (Are you in a relationship? Employed? Loving your looks?) And the remaining 40 percent can change based on what you do and how you think. So to start, I took the “Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic” test to figure out which of Lybomirsky’s 12 happiness boosting activities is the right fit for me. Lyubomirsky’s research has found that the more natural and enjoyable an activity feels, the more motivated you will be to pursue it. The diagnostic test narrows the book’s 12 Happiness Activities down to the four that best suit you. One of my top strategies was Taking Care of Your Body and Soul, which involves practicing religion and spirituality, taking care of your body with meditation, physical activity, and acting like a happy person by smiling, laughing ... and possibly getting Botox. Cited in this chapter of the book is an interesting 2006 study, in which 10 depressed women received Botox (botulium toxin A) to their frown lines between their eyebrows. Two months later, nine of the ten women were no longer depressed and the tenth participant was very much improved. Lyubomirsky links the improvement in mood to the idea that if other people perceive you as being happier and respond to you more positively, you do feel happier. But there might be more factors involved. Perhaps when you look in the mirror and don’t see the results of your long hours of work lodged between your eyebrows, it’s easier to feel happy. Maybe when you look in the mirror and like how you look - even after your child woke you up at o’dark-thirty and it was impossible to fall back to sleep - you have a feeling of control and it’s easier to feel good about life in general. So, as the Taking Care of Your Body and Soul chapter recommends, I'll keep dancing and taking my long weekend walks, act more confident and optimistic to jump start happiness, and will also be more mindful about seeking out the sacred in my ordinary everyday. I'm not sold on the Botox but I think by focusing on filling up the 40 percent happiness share that's mine to manage, I won't need it. In the meantime, I can't seem to get the lyrics to the "Put on a Happy Face" song out of my head. Might as well sing along. The blog this month is a quickie since I'm WRITING A BOOK! It will launch on Amazon this summer and the print edition will be released later this year. More details to come in next month's newsletter. If you're curious about steps you can take to increase your 40 percent happiness share, please contact me to schedule a free, non-salesy sample coaching session. It will be just like a regular session so you can see how I work and so we can discover if we're a good fit for working together. I meet with clients over the phone, via Skype, and at my office in San Mateo. You can also meet me at one of my monthly Saturday Sanctuary gatherings – the next one is this Saturday, April 11th – or you can create your own Sanctuary at your home. I hope to meet you soon. xoxo Kathleen Years ago, my kids owned a book called Superhero ABC. Each letter was dedicated to an amusingly-illustrated good guy/gal who had special powers to beat the bad guys: A is for Astro-Man who is always alert for an alien attack, B is for Bubble-Man who blows big bubbles at bullies… I read Superhero ABC aloud constantly when the boys were little. Each time, I winced when we arrived at the Yellow Yeller, a skinny, harried, bed-headed female superhero in a wide-opened mouth scream, overwhelming a cowering, not-so-evil-looking bad guy. I would quickly flip through the letter Y to get to Z, afraid that if I paused too long on Y, one of my boys would point to the Yellow Yeller and say, “Mommy.” It never felt like I was exercising superhero strength when I got to the end of my patience and yelled at my children. I felt more like V for the Vile Villain who vilifies her victims. I would manage to get through a whole day without yelling and then lose control when one son would fall to the floor for yet another full-blown temper tantrum, or when fat messy buckets of water would splash out of the tub where my wriggly boys were refusing to sit still, or when I felt depleted from the never-ending cycle of food-dishes-poop. I hated that I yelled but I didn’t know how to stop. But I figured it out, taking small mortal steps toward a superhuman goal. You can, too, even with small children, even when you feel so incredibly tired, even if you believe you have no strength to spare. You can build your willpower muscles using STEAM power: S for Sleep, T for Talk Nicely, E for Eat Well, A for Activity, and M for Mindfulness. Start with just one suggestion for about a month until you feel a little bit stronger. Then add another, building up STEAM to stop the yelling (or other bad habit) once and for all. S is for Sleep Did you know that sleep deprivation is considered to be anything less than six hours of sleep a night? Lack of sleep impairs how you use glucose, fuel for your brain and body. This turns your prefrontal cortex into mush so that instead of managing your life, you’re at the mercy of your moods. Your prefrontal cortex handles executive functioning, namely the ability to “differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).” Wikipedia Like yelling at your children. “If you know you could use more sleep but you find yourself staying up late anyway, consider what you are saying ‘yes’ to instead of sleep,” writes Kelly McGonigal in her book The Willpower Instinct. Using your willpower to say “I won’t” to the temptations may be a more successful strategy than trying to say “I will” to sleep. TRY THIS: Experiment for one week what it’s like to sleep as much as you can. To say “I won’t” to the temptations and make sleep the reward instead. Much of the time when we’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s because we’re not getting enough sleep. There’s a reason why life coach and author Martha Beck tells her team to “Go lie down!” at the first sign of any stress. Sleep restores. Sleep rejuvenates. Sleep gives us the superhuman strength to take on any challenge, from colicky infants to the crankiest of toddlers. T is for Talk Nicely Researchers Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman coined the “what-the-hell effect” to describe the downward spiral that happens after any kind of setback. “Whatever the willpower challenge, the pattern is the same,” writes McGonigal, describing the study in her book. “Crucially, it’s not the first giving-in that guarantees the bigger relapse. It’s the feelings of shame, guilt, loss of control, and loss of hope that follow the first relapse… This leads to even bigger willpower failures and more misery as you then berate yourself (again) for giving in (again.)” Think that being mean to yourself is the way to get rid of a bad habit, like yelling, procrastinating, overeating? The opposite is actually true. Self-forgiveness, kindness, and self-compassion - especially after you’ve failed - increases accountability and your chances of achieving your goals. “When it comes to our children, we do not have the luxury of despair,” writes Cheryl Strayed in Tiny Beautiful Things. “If we rise, they will rise with us every time, no matter how many times we’ve fallen before.. Remembering that is the most important work as parents we can possibly do.” TRY THIS: Sociologist Kirstin Neff, who focuses her work on self-compassion, has a three step process for relieving feelings of guilt and shame after a willpower failure. • Don’t run from the experience. Allow yourself to feel the stress and emotional discomfort of the situation. Recognize and name the emotion: pain, suffering, disappointment, guilt, or other emotion. • Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes – it’s part of being human. You are not alone. • Talk to yourself as if you are your kindest friend and remind yourself that you are okay. E is for Eat Well Low blood sugar levels can change how much willpower is available to you. The brain is like Ebenezer Scrooge – it’s very stingy with how it doles out energy. Because willpower is a very costly task that drains the brain’s energy supply of glucose, self-control is the first expense that’s cut, making you more impulsive and focused on short-term rewards, not long-term goals. TRY THIS: Make sure your body is fueled with food that provides long-term energy supplies. (McGonigal recommends a low-glycemic diet of lean proteins, nuts and legumes, high fiber grains, most fruits and vegetables.) This diet increases the steady flow of energy to the brain and reduces mood swings from blood sugar spikes and crashes. And please, ease diet soda out of your diet. The sweet taste of the soda tricks your brain into thinking that there’s sugar coming, so your body gathers up glucose from your blood stream for the anticipated sugar spike that never arrives. This mean trick causes your self-control to plummet, making you more susceptible to temptation - and probably weight gain, as well. A is for Activity Physical activity – not just what we commonly define as “exercise” – makes your brain bigger and faster, especially in the region of the self-control manager, the prefrontal cortex. People who exercise regularly are generally less impulsive in their spending habits, more healthy in their eating habits, more in control of their emotions, and less likely to procrastinate, smoke, and drink. “If you tell yourself that you are too tired or don’t have the time to exercise, start thinking of exercise as something that restores, not drains, your energy and willpower,” says McGonigal. TRY THIS: Reclassify anything that gets you up off the couch as exercise and start moving. Dance party with your kids! A walk around the block pushing the stroller. Vacuuming the hallway. Taking the stairs (when you’re not pushing the stroller.) Exercise does not have to mean going to the gym, running for miles, or enrolling in a fitness class. Make it fun and you’re more likely to make it happen. M is for Mindfulness Mindfulness is about creating breathing room in your daily life. Research studies have shown that mindfulness increases blood flow to that very important prefrontal cortex, making it bigger, stronger, faster. Inviting mindfulness into your life isn’t about finding the time to sit still and breathe every day – although the benefits of even five minutes of that is huge. Mindfulness is more about bringing your awareness to the present moment, allowing the worry to dissolve, stepping away from the incessant narrative in your mind, and being present for what’s right here – the sensation of soapy water as you wash dishes (again), the sparkle in your husband’s eyes right before he says something funny, the shift in your daughter’s cry when she sees you coming. TRY THIS: See if right now you can create a little breathing room. Notice your breath as you inhale and exhale. Whenever your mind wanders (and it will), bring it back to your breath. If you notice you’re experiencing a feeling or an emotion, name it, e.g. “I’m feeling anxious,” and then bring your attention back to your breath and the dishes, or whatever it is that you’re doing. Don’t expect to be thought-free; the power of the practice is in repeatedly noticing your thoughts and not getting swept away by them. Even a few minutes of mindful breathing helps to build your brain power, giving you super-powered self-control. Once upon a time, every time I yelled, I stamped a giant M on my heart because I knew I was the Meanest Mommy of them all. But I’ve built up STEAM and have more self-control – and more self-compassion for when I occasionally lose it. Now that my kids are older our nighttime routine is different but one thing is still the same. When my kids and I are sharing I love you’s, I always say I love them more. It becomes a game, with shouts back and forth between the bedrooms of “Love you more,” “No, I love you more,” or just simply “More!” “More!” “More!” The big fat M is still there on my heart, but now it stands for all that lives in that word more. Kathleen Harper is a certified life coach and mentor for mommies. She helps women to find the more in their hearts so that they can bring awareness, authenticity, and acceptance into their everyday lives. Her Saturday Sanctuary monthly group – which brings a small group of moms together for conversation, community, and crafts – is focused this month on nurturing willpower. Each mom who comes will be creating a keepsake pendant, filled with tiny beautiful things that represent her individual inner strengths. In addition to leading the Sanctuary groups, Kathleen supports moms in one-on-one sessions and gives presentations at new parent support groups, mothers’ groups, and other organizations. If you're interested in finding out more or scheduling a free (non-salesy) sample session, please send an email or fill out this form to get started. Every now and again it happens - my sleep falls apart and I’m wide awake at 3:00 a.m. for no particular reason. When my boys were small, there were always reasons: fussy babies, breastfeeding, nightmares, the occasional tumble out of bed. But now the house is quiet. Everyone is sleeping soundly. Everyone except for me. I’m now on day six of little sleep. I feel like my brain is wrapped in heavy wool. I can only hold onto tiny scraps of patience for my boys and none whatsoever for my spouse, Bill. And my usual soft spoken demeanor is replaced by a potty-mouthed, irritable shrew. I feel like I’ve lost several layers of socialization and this, as you can expect, wreaks a wee bit of havoc on my marriage. I commented to my husband this morning that every rough patch in our relationship corresponds to a time when I’m not sleeping well. When he asked me what that means exactly, I didn’t have an answer other than a random fact pulled up from a dim corner of my brain: correlation does not imply causation. When he looked at me weirdly, I shrugged. I’m in an insomnia-induced brain fog; nothing makes sense. But there is some truth to the causation comment. In the past, I was so willing to take the blame for the problems that arose in my marriage (well, maybe not on the outside in the midst of an argument but definitely on the inside where self blame and shame made themselves at home.) Owning the responsibility for all of the problems in my relationship was like wearing an itchy, too tight sweater, all day long. I wove this “I Suck Sweater” from my beliefs of what a good mom should do, what a good wife does, and my outfit was decorated with buttons of all of the ways that I fell short. Years ago, when the kids were more like slightly domesticated raccoons than small people, Bill and I fell into a dark place in our marriage. We began couples counseling, which helped our marriage a lot - especially because we found a wonderful therapist who made it abundantly clear that not one person is responsible for all of the problems in a marriage. The problems in a marriage are always the product of the two people in it. Think of it like weaving fabric with two different kinds of fiber - it's the dynamic of the two of you coming together, trying to blend, adjusting to tension within and outside your relationship. Sometimes the yarn gets snarled. Moving forward and making changes means untangling the knots together. Renowned relationship expert and psychologist John Gottman, recommends five activities to help knit couples together. He calls this solution The Magic Five Hours because they add up to about five hours spent on smoothing and strengthen your marriage throughout each week. 1. Partings - Before you say goodbye each morning, learn one thing that is happening in your partner’s day. 2. Reunions - At the end of the day, have a conversation with your spouse that eases stress for both of you. 3. Admiration and appreciation - Communicate genuine appreciation toward your partner every day. 4. Affection - Give loving physical affection to each other and end each day with a kiss. Infuse your kiss with tenderness and forgiveness for any snarls that happened that day. 5. Weekly date - Schedule time each week for time to turn toward each other. Bill and I have a coffee date almost every Friday morning when we talk about dreams and goals, upcoming plans and vacations, parenting issues, and other topics. Our weekly date helps us to work through issues before they become big problems. “Marriages aren’t healed with big things; they’re healed with small things done every day,” writes Dr. Kelly Flanagan, psychologist who writes eloquently about relationships in his Untangled blog. “They aren’t healed by doing new things. They’re healed by doing old things we used to do and quit doing somewhere along the way. And, if we can set aside our ego for a little while, we don’t need anyone to tell us what those things are. We already know.” I do already know. Bill does, too. Today I put an I’m sorry post-it note in his lunch. A couple of days ago, he sent me an Ed Sheeran music video that reminded him of us. We're working through some bumps and snarls in our relationship and we'll wind our way through this rough patch together. But no matter what we weave with our strengths and our weaknesses, what we make from our joys and our sorrows, and what we do with the good and the ugly, it won't ever be that sweater. Kathleen Harper is a certified life coach who works with moms to help them untangle the knots and smooth out the rough patches in their lives. The topic of this month's Saturday Sanctuary group, which brings a small group of moms together for conversation, community, and crafts, is focused on relationships. (Find out more about this month's Sanctuary here.) In addition to leading the Sanctuary groups, Kathleen talks with moms in one-on-one sessions and gives presentations at new parent support groups, mothers’ groups, and other organizations. If you're interested in finding out more or scheduling a free 30-minute (non-salesy) sample session, please send an email or fill out this form to get started. Motherhood changes us. When we become moms, we become something stronger, more resilient, more beautiful than what we were before. This change happens in much the same way that iron ore is turned into steel. We’re depurated in the intense heat of our experiences as mothers - like learning to cope with little sleep, making hard decisions about going back to work, caring for and worrying about sick children. The choices that we make as mothers - in service to our children and families - shape us powerfully and often painfully, like a hammer to hot metal. We are not the same as we were before. But often this process burns off too much of our old selves. Years ago when my boys were very little, Bill and I struggled in our marriage. I was one big prickly bundle of resentment and unhappiness. In dedicating my time and energy on the tasks and responsibilities of motherhood, I lost my touchstone to who I was before children. The meaning and purpose that inspired my life had become narrow and focused almost entirely on my family. I gave out much more than I provided to myself and so my energetic and spiritual cupboard was bare. Bill and I met regularly with a counselor to help us find ways to stay married - and become happily married. Our sessions helped me to realize that my constricted Good Mom definition didn’t leave me any room for activities that fulfilled me outside of work and family, like daydreaming, reading, thrift store shopping, crafting, writing, dancing. How could I justify time for such frivolous pursuits when I should be working, when I should be caring for my children, when I should be cleaning and organizing and fixing and managing the endless lists of what needed to be done? My mom clients tell me the same thing: that they feel guilty paying for childcare - or asking their spouses to take care of the kids - in order to create downtime, especially if what's happening during that time doesn’t make money. “Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worthy of the trip.” But what I've learned is that being a good mom isn’t just about parenting. It’s the full spectrum of your life, of which motherhood is a slice. It’s hard to have patience with your children if you aren’t patient with yourself. Can you fully feel joy if you deny yourself what brings you happiness for the sake of always being there for your kids? Take a moment to imagine a conversation with your mom during which she said something along the lines of "I always wanted to go back to school but my first priority was always you kids so I never did." Would you feel relieved and happy that she focused all of her precious time and energy on you or would you feel sad and slightly ashamed that she gave up on her dreams because that’s what “good moms” do?
Having an abundant life means that there is room for work and play, seriousness and frivolity, doing and dreaming. I want my boys to see that I am continually creating a life that is interesting, mindful, and full of joy. I want them to watch me make challenging decisions on how I prioritize my time for work, family, and play. I want them to notice that I take care of myself by going to my dance classes, spending time with girlfriends, making time for my acupuncture appointments, enjoying dates with their dad, achieving my goals. I want them to know that feeding the love of learning doesn't stop once college is completed. I want them to understand that my commitment to myself only increases my love and energy that I share with them. Just like Superman was sent to Earth to “bring hope to mankind for a better future,” we Moms of Steel do the same. We show our daughters and sons what being a good mom looks like - it looks like love growing from the inside out. Certified life coach and mommy mentor Kathleen Harper gives mothers practical tools to help them forge the raw materials of their lives in beautiful ways. She talks with moms in one-on-one sessions, leads a monthly group called Saturday Sanctuary, and gives presentations to new parent support groups and mothers' groups. If you're interested in finding out more or scheduling a free 30-minute (non-salesy) sample session, please fill out this form. When my boys were babies and toddlers, I spent time wishing that they’d sleep more, that breastfeeding didn't take so long, that motherhood didn’t demand so much of me when I didn’t have anything extra to spare. Because this “first trimester of motherhood” throughout my sons’ infancy and preschool years felt so hard, I focused my attention and effort on getting to the second phase, what I called The Light at the End of the Tunnel – kindergarten. I told myself, "When my youngest gets into kindergarten, it will all be so much easier." And it was. I had more time to focus on the work that I enjoyed, to build a bit of self-care into my routine, to enjoy time with girlfriends and my husband, to breathe. But by keeping my eyes on that light that promised easier times ahead and pushing through the sleep deprivation, fussy babies, and demanding toddlers, I didn’t take in the happy times, the good stuff, the irretrievable moments of sloppy baby kisses and sweet smelling skin. It was like traveling through Italy’s countryside in a train car with the blinds closed. I ended up in Rome, but didn’t see any scenery along the way. My husband Bill has so many vivid memories. He’ll start reminiscing about something from when the boys were little and sometimes I’ll have a vague, fuzzy recollection, like an out of focus photograph without any rich emotional connection to it. I can easily recall so many of the hard times – I remember vividly the long night I initiated sleep training for my two year old son based on recommendations from the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, the wrenching frustration when the nanny spilled full bottles of holy breast milk, my consuming fear when my infant son had a unexplained fever that wouldn’t break. Our brains are wired to hold onto the hard moments. This negativity bias served humans well in ancient times. As hunter gatherers, we didn’t have the luxury of waiting to see if the rustling in the bushes was a tiger or a rabbit. “To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources (for dealing with threats and fulfilling opportunities),” writes Rick Hanson, PhD, neuropsychologist and author of many books including his recent Hardwiring Happiness. “This is a great way to pass on gene copies, but a lousy way to promote quality of life.” According to Hanson, our brains and our bodies are still wired to take in the negative more quickly and more fully. We experience intense pain throughout our bodies but, for the most part, we only feel intense pleasure in a few specific physical areas. Our brains produce more neural activities from negative stimuli than positive. The amygdala, the deep part of our brain that processes emotions, especially fear and aggression, uses about two thirds of its energy looking for the bad. When found, these negative experiences go straight into storage, unlike positive events that have to be nurtured and invited into our long-term memory. “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones,” says Hanson. So other than creating a Shutterfly photo album each and every year to store the sweet special moments (which I do), what else can we do to get more of the good stuff stored in our brains? Hanson recommends a ten second, four-step process for taking in the good that he calls HEAL, which stands for HAVE a positive experience, ENRICH it, ABSORB it, and LINK it. Ten healing seconds over time can actually rewire the brain to be more positive. HEAL opens the blinds on the train car to see the sunflower fields, the bright yellow flower faces in the warm summer sun. Here are the steps: H - HAVE a positive experience or remember one from the past Notice the good that is happening in your day-to-day. A giggling baby. The beauty of the way the sun shines through the clouds. The smell of freshly baked bread. Or remember a moment from your past that was particularly happy – like a vivid memory from a vacation or a special event from your childhood. Here’s a happy moment for me … A few days ago, my not quite ten year old son was lying on the couch reading. I nudged him over a bit, squeezed in next to him, and started reading my book, too. We stayed there, close and comfortable, for a good 20 minutes. Snuggly moments with my tweens are becoming few and far between so I cherish the close moments, like this. E - ENRICH the experience Pay attention to the sensory details of this positive event. If it’s a memory, remember what you were seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, or even tasting to really bring the moment to life. Who were you with? What were the colors around you? If you’re taking in a happy moment as it’s happening, truly bask in all of the details of it. Lying on the couch with my younger son, I paid attention to the smell of his hair, the sound of his quiet breathing, my contentment with being close. A - ABSORB the experience Take a few seconds to preserve this memory, like you’re taking a mental and emotional photograph for your inner photo album. Imagine that your memory or positive moment is seeping into your skin, sinking into your bones, and filling you up with the positive emotions that you are experiencing – love, joy, contentment, happiness. L - LINK the positive experience with a negative memory This optional (and more advanced) step involves allowing the positive memory to stay strong in your mind while mentally calling up an old emotional injury at the same time. During this process, you keep your positive memory at the forefront and allow the old, negative injury to be present, but small. This step, done repeatedly over time, can soften and gradually replace hurts from the past. Each time you go through these steps, you rewire your brain for the better. “It’s the law of little things: a small thing repeated each day adds up over time to produce big results,” says Hanson. “A small thing that is in your power to do – in a world in which so many things are not. Just one thing that could change your life.” Remember, it only feels like a tunnel because you’ve closed the blinds. Open the windows and take in the view. Even if it’s only for ten seconds. Certified life coach and mommy mentor Kathleen Harper works with moms to help them find and savor the good, reframe and release the bad, and enjoy the messy and mindful work of motherhood. She talks with moms in one-on-one sessions, leads a monthly group called Saturday Sanctuary, and gives presentations to new parent support groups and mothers' groups. If you're interested in finding out more or scheduling a free 30-minute (non-salesy) sample session, please send an email or fill out this form to get started. This is the time of year when it starts. I look at the calendar and think, “Holy ten toes! It’s November and I haven’t even started.” I haven’t started planning Thanksgiving which Bill and I host each year. I haven’t started party planning for my son’s December birthday, which we usually schedule in November since families are so busy mid-December. I haven't started the master list of Christmas gifts, activities, parties ... This time of year fills me with equal parts anticipation and dread. I look forward to seeing the expressions on my children’s faces when they open their gifts, but worry about buying the right presents, keeping it within budget, and keeping it fair. I enjoy our festive tradition of walking the brilliantly illuminated and decorated Eucalyptus Street in San Carlos but the kids wouldn’t get out of the car last year and we ended up driving up the block which didn't compare to seeing the homes up close, engaging in conversation with other families, and enjoying the sense of community. I love making memories that linger, like the fast-flying snowball fight that ensued around the dining room table on Christmas Eve after we opened an indoor snowball set from my brother and sister-in-law. But sometimes what I remember the most aren’t the good times but the stress that comes with the obligations and additional responsibilities, like staying up super late to assemble, wrap, and scramble to get everything ready by Christmas morning. As I write this, it’s late October and I’m already feeling overwhelmed. I haven’t been sleeping well lately - staying up until the wee hours to design and sew my son’s Halloween costume (Link from Legends of Zelda), write the blog, and get the monthly newsletter finished and scheduled. I keep wishing for more time. I find myself falling back into my old habit of believing that I should be able to do it all. I should be able to stay up until 1:00 in the morning, happily flit out of bed at 6:00, easily check off everything on the to do list each day, prepare home cooked meals, manage a well-organized and super clean house, engage my children in creative activities and patiently oversee their homework, be abundantly productive with my baby sign language projects and with coaching clients, work hard and then work harder, and get it all done. In my BC (before children) life, this is how I rolled; I felt smart, busy, in charge, and in control. I miss those feelings. Right now, my life feels like it’s racing off ahead of me and I’m always playing a game of catch up. My life coach, the so very wise Christy Miller of Point Be Coaching, reminds me ever so gently that I can choose to a) stay in the present moment or b) create suffering by launching myself into the future by focusing on everything that needs to be done, isn’t getting done, and will maybe never ever get done. Those are my only choices? The answer is yes. Those are the only two choices for all of us, not just around the holidays, but every day. You can choose to be frustrated or you can choose to love what is present in your life right now in all of its imperfections, no matter how overwhelming and out of sync it is with how you imagined your life would be. This is very simple and very difficult simultaneously. On the one hand, it’s very simple because you are always in the present moment - there’s nowhere else you can be unless you're lucky enough to be a time traveler or have a time turner like Hermione's. It’s only your thoughts that keep you mired in the past or propelled into the future. On the other hand, it’s very difficult because our minds are always evaluating, thinking, planning, comparing, making up stories, and creating reasons for why things aren't right. How do you turn off your big beautiful brain in order to find peace in the here and now? Here’s a very easy/very difficult three-step process called Stop, Drop & Roll. Stop - The mental and physical racing around that you’re doing is changing your physiology by activating your fight, flight or freeze response - increasing your heart rate, shortening your breath, and tightening your muscles. At least once a day, give yourself permission to stop, rest, and calm your mind by taking deep breaths to move out of fight or flight and into peace. “For a minute or more, breathe in such a way that your inhalation and exhalation are equally long; count mentally up to five for each inhalation and each exhalation. This creates small but smooth changes in the interval between heartbeats … which is associated with relaxation and well-being,” suggests Rick Hanson, PhD, in Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time. It’s only by starting in a place of peace that we find our purpose and power. Drop - It is okay to say no and focus your time, energy, and attention on what is truly important. To start small, find another version of no that feels more comfortable like “Not right now,” or “My schedule will be more open after the holidays,” or “I can pick up cupcakes from Safeway but I don’t have time to bake.” As long as your answer feels like freedom, lightness, openness, and happiness, you are nourishing your essential self, the part of you that will lead you to your most joyful life. It can be hard to say no and feel like you might disappoint someone else. But continually giving to others when you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and empty will quickly drain you dry. A month ago I signed up to volunteer at my son’s middle school book fair. Now that I'm heading out of town for an entire week, I'm scrambling to get everything and everyone prepared for my absence and I don’t have that time to spare anymore. Do I feel badly about un-committing myself? Absolutely. Does it stop me from taking care of myself and prioritizing what needs to be done for myself and my family before I leave? Absolutely not. Only put enough on your plate that you can do your best at everything you do. Roll - Negative thoughts and obligations can feel like rocks in our shoes - they hurt and make us reluctant to take another step forward. When you notice that you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and frustrated, take a break (see Stop above), shake out the negative thought and let it roll away. If your pokey, painful thought (like mine) is that you’re not doing nearly enough, remind yourself that you’re doing quite a bit. Then, use that big brain of yours to list examples of everything that you’ve accomplished. Here's my list from the other day: I responded to a flood of emails, wrote the first draft of the blog, sent handbooks to three classes, created drafts for our monthly newsletters (sign up here), updated the website, cooked dinner, picked up my son from his martial arts class, shared an extremely funny YouTube video with my boys (for all of you Walking Dead fans out there), coached a new client, worked on my son's Halloween costume, and gave back rubs to both boys before they went to sleep. Stop, Drop and Roll isn’t a one-shot deal, unfortunately. Your thoughts will continually get stuck and will need to be dislodged again and again. Luckily, we humans are creatures of habit; the more frequently we attend to the little stones of negative thoughts that create discomfort, the easier it will be to let go and love what is right here, right now. If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves. Would you like to create new habits for the holidays and the New Year? I offer a free 30-minute sample session to help moms figure out next steps to creating full, happy lives. I hate to sell so there won’t be a sales pitch anywhere in our conversation. I promise. Start off the holidays by giving yourself a wonderful gift. Fill out this form or send me an email so that we can get started. I hope to talk with you soon. - Kathleen I’ve turned into Miss Cranky Pants lately. Unsettled about my hands nudging me into early retirement from my massage therapy practice (see last month’s blog post). Not abundantly thrilled with the type of work involved in the first stages of supporting the baby sign language side of our business. Wondering if I made a wrong turn somewhere a while back because I’m feeling off course and finding it hard to be happy. I’ve been blessed over the last 14 years to wake up every day loving what I do for work. I worked hard in the beginning stages of my massage therapy practice to build my client base but, after experiencing a few jobs in the corporate world, growing my business felt like play every day. And going to work was my retreat - especially after my boys were born. Soft music, dim lights, blissful quiet and peace not only for my clients but for me, too. These days, I’m spending a good chunk of my time as program manager for the baby sign language side of Touch Blue Sky. The work isn’t awful by any stretch of the imagination: I manage my own time, get to come up with new ways to simplify and streamline processes, and eventually I will have more opportunity to contribute creatively to the next phase for the business. But for right now, most of my time and energy is invested in supporting Bill’s dream, not mine. Many of my responsibilities involve just moving information around and it feels like work, not play. And now that I’m working at home, I’ve noticed that I’m not setting good boundaries and work is encroaching on my family time, personal time, and happy time. I find myself slipping back into old, unwelcome and unhelpful habits, like focusing on the negative, allowing work to become all consuming, telling myself that I’m too busy for the activities that create happiness - like dance class, hiking with girlfriends, Tai Chi, quality sleep habits, playtime with my husband and kids. I’ve become more and more mired in a mess of my own making. My life coach, the supreme Christy Miller of Point Be Coaching, has been valiantly working to help me see the unhappiness that I'm creating all by myself with my story. And I'm sure that Christy has sometimes felt that coaching me is like singlehandedly trying to push a beached whale out of the wet sand and back into the deep blue ocean. I’m well aware that finding my way back to happy means rolling back into the open sea, avoiding the undercurrent of urgency wrapped up in all that needs to be done, and finding the time to float. But when I feel resistant, cranky, and stuck, I just want to wallow in the shallow, silty water at the edge of what comes next. Here’s the deal though: when you’re feeling like a beached whale, you have to actually DO something in order to move along. How I feel these days reminds me of how I felt when the boys were little. I, like so many moms, put my well-being on hold when my children were born. My definition of what’s important changed radically — self-sacrifice became lodged at the core of what defined me as a good parent. I ended up on a very narrow dry stretch of sand, stuck and unhappy even though I had a long list that included everything I ever wanted: healthy, happy children, devoted husband, beautiful home, rewarding work… But I had so little time in my life when I could enjoy what I loved, discover what deepened my life, and define who I was separate from being a mom. Mother Theresa said “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” I have learned that as mothers, we must do small things with great love for ourselves, first and foremost. When we are fulfilled, our joy, happiness, delight, and contentment spills out, surrounds, and envelops everyone around us, just as the salty water surrounds a swimmer as she dives under a wave and into the sea. We become the endless ocean of love. “Think not lightly of good, saying, “It will come to me.” Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the wise one, gathering it little by little, fills oneself with good.” Dhammapada 9.122 Drop by drop So what do you do when you are feeling so stuck because the self-sacrificing nature of motherhood has drained your energy and washed you to the shore? You remember to do a small thing for yourself filled with great love. Try this.
1. Make a list of 20 things that make you happy - or made you happy sometime in the past. If you have trouble thinking up a list (which is really normal based on the negativity bias built into our brains) go back to being an eight year old. What did you like to do then? What felt like love, delight, happiness? Tell the logical part of your brain to sit still and be quiet and let your ideas fill up the page. 2. Look at your list and pick just one thing. 3. With this one thing from your list, write down how this activity makes you feel when you remember doing it. For example, my just one thing from my list is dancing. When I dance, I feel energized, engaged, and happy in my body, mind, and soul. I am inspired when I listen to music that entices me to move. I like the sounds that my feet make when I tap dance. I feel creative when I think of tap routines for my favorite music. What you can do in tiny chunks of time that will create those feelings? My kids are older and I now have time to consistently attend a tap class and a dance-y aerobics class weekly. When the boys were small, there was no way I could make it to class regularly, but I didn’t want to miss out on the good mood that dancing created for me. Even now, I want to have happy feet in and out of dance class. So here’s what I did (and still do) to invite in the tide: • I put on good music when I cook and dance back and forth between counter, stove, oven, and refrigerator. (Yes, it’s quite a show and Pandora is awesome.) • I download tap routine music and practice in the kitchen. • I tap dance while waiting for my tea to warm up in the microwave. • When the boys were babies, I would hold one of my sons in my arms and dance around the living room. Once they were bigger, we’d have a dance party with the whole family jumping and wiggling around. They’re way too easily embarrassed for that kind of thing now but my memories still make me happy. So if you like to create art, figure out what it is about art that fulfills you. Is it playing with color? Is it seeing the vision in your head come alive on paper? Can you find a corner of your house to set up your materials so that you play with your passion just a little bit every day? If your kids are older, can you create art with them? (Go to The Artful Parent website for ideas.) When the kids are napping, can you go online and appreciate beautiful art? Or perhaps plan your next date around a gallery opening or an evening at a local museum? Even a drop of art, no matter how small, fills you with good. 4. Do those things from #3. Regularly. Add more activities as new ideas come up. Stop doing the things that don’t bring in the tide. If you start feeling stuck again, pick a new activity from your list and start fresh. Each day, the tide brings in the good and as Rilke writes, “takes hold of even the smallest thing and pulls it toward the heart of the world.” Each day, go to the heart of your world to nourish yourself so that your love will spill and splash on everyone around you, like great big sprays from the happy slap of a whale’s tail. Like the idea of inviting the happy tide but need a little nudge to get rolling? I’d like to help. I offer a free 30-minute sample session to help moms figure out next steps to creating full, happy lives. I hate to sell so there won’t be a sales pitch anywhere in our conversation. I promise. Fill out this form or send me an email so that we can get started. I hope to talk with you soon - Kathleen |
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April 2023
Kathleen
I'm a mother of two incredible boys, wife to Bill White of Happy Baby Signs, author of the books The Well-Crafted Mom and Signs of a Happy Baby, and an intuitive life coach. I like to blog about my adventures with my family and the life lessons I'm learning along the way. I hope you'll join me on this journey. CategoriesCheck out our past newsletters by clicking the link below.
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